Lost but not seeking to find

Sitting in a cold, dark noisy room on the 4th floor feels like I'm squatting

Bathtub is unfinished, room doesn't have the proper flooring put in

I'm debating about creating
It just feels like each day passes by too quickly for anything to really be accomplished
Isolation from everyone helps for me to grasp this notion

I was 19, sitting in your apartment on the 2nd floor in a state close to NY; you had a gf she was a bitch to me and she was the same age I'm turning in 5 days. I'll never forget what I said to myself, I'll never be like that when I turn that age, what happens now is that I realize its beyond my control, its completely natural and chemically based. You revert to being that insecure 15/16 year old you once were and then it levels off.


I talk to Lu who is a friend I've had for a little over 10 years; we are plotting our escapes from our mutually oppressive metropolises. I'll be able to laugh this all off soon.

5 days until my birthday...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The more things don't work out the more I stop caring if they ever will, I'm just about to throw in my towel completely. It's upsetting to constantly be in this neutral state but it works for the moment. I never thought new york could ever be like fl or that my mentality could ever come so close to that time I felt like hey, its time to jump ship. I'll severe all my ties in lesser degrees, I'll stop trying to make friends etc and you know what will happen (as it always does) I'm going to meet someone awesome who is going to really make me regret having to leave but I'll leave anyway and maybe the next one will follow me also but at this point it doesn't matter to me anymore.



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On the positive side:

I saw Skinny puppy on Tuesday and had a blast!

here is video footage
Visual Stimulation

Made some wicked cute underwear out of new fabric that I got


This was a nightmare that I will soon wake up from

<3 moi

~~Daintier, smarter, better dressed~~

Everything is fucked up again but this time it's not so bad. I'm more prepared than ever before and I'm not even really upset. I was in that {slam the door, lock it behind me, cry my heart out on the floor mode} from all the past season's stress.

The only thing that gets to me is the sense of immediacy; the lack of being busy, the shroud of stability that I'm always after and which always seems to elude me.

Half the time I'm not really upset, I just pretend to be and maybe its just for the conflict to stimulate my brain.


Trevor Goodchild: The dream to awaken our world...
Æon Flux: Youre out of control.
Trevor Goodchild: I take control! Whose side are you on?
Æon Flux: I take no side...
Trevor Goodchild: You're skating the edge.
Æon Flux: I am the edge!
Trevor Goodchild: What you *truly* want, only I can give.
Æon Flux: You cant give it, can't even buy it, and you just dont
*get* it.

Montreal and NYC: or how the rest was won

A rather odd arrangement in travel plans, very haphazardly pasted together at best. But details were ironed out fairly smoothly and then freedom was gained.

5 passengers in a rental on the way up, two were from nyc. One of the fellow passengers picked up on the connection whilst one was sleeping and the other had to deny the charges.

Reality Bites you in the Grey Muscle

Morbidity, Mortality, always on the edge of revealing

Must stay quiet, prompt, polite and reserved

"I practiced detachment. I learned how to look cheerful while under the table I stuck a fork into the back of my hand. I became a virtuoso of deceit. It wasn't pleasure I was after, it was knowledge. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers to find out what to think, and novelists to see what I could get away with, and in the end, I distilled everything to one wonderfully simple principle: win or die."

My aunt who has been battling cancer for the past few years, wants to commit assisted suicide. This will probably happen early next month.

I'm not perfect but I'd like to think I'm good at whatever it is that I chose to pursue and I often win but not before experiencing a massive amount of pain and loss. Now I don't think to myself, oh no you're too good to not experience loss and pain as that is a given and part of life, its just can't the pain come at better suited times, when you're just a little bit prepared for it. But then that brings me back to the Buddhist philosophy," even when you try and stop moving, the ground is still moving beneath you."

Engaging Debate on Hipsters

Just saw this posted from Museum @ FIT, what a relevant point they make.

This adbusters article is pretty hard on hipsters. It's not their fault that marketing culture consumes everything in its path. For the counter argument, the arts/culture site Lost in E minor recently defended hipsters. Both articles generated plenty of posts and it's all quite thought provoking and telling of our own biases and tendencies towards disdain.

Other related article


Discuss this amongst yourselves and openly

XoX
Rozzalyn

Social Darwinism Revisited

I can truly say I feel like I'm making an even bigger and better turn around.

I'm going in exactly the direction that I've been wanting to go and following the path I've set out for myself.

Work is great, couldn't ask for better music to be played, better people to work with and more interesting opportunities to present themselves.

Making 2 more dresses at the moment and plans for more, will start capturing (behind the scenes etc)

Boston this weekend yay, It's the Xmortis 5th Year anniversary, in homage to Manray of course.

Next week is all about apartment hunting, need to find a place by August 1st.


Which leads me back to Socializing, I've been going to more bbqs, house parties and just chilling with friends and I like it so much better. Clubs can be fun on occasion but really I've decided only monthly parties are worth it or special events, come on peeps we need some new blood/creativity in the scene, because this is a yawn! Was actually discussing this with my new manager...

I haven't even have time to sleep, volunteer or do anything else really, I try and fit things in where I can.

Also I have 3-4 new photo shoots coming up and 2 previous sets that I will get photos from.

oh and travel plans, Chicago and Philly very soon as in next month.

*That's all for now Cherubs*

Is making a huge cup of coffee because otherwise I won't be able to go out tonight, even though I shouldn't stay out too late as I have a bus to catch tomorrow.

and also I admit it... I'm addicted to Vita Coco... this stuff makes me feel so amazing, and I've noticed it might be a trend.. I swear every time I like something, it becomes popular wtf
Do they put crack it in lol... Visited a friend yesterday who also is addicted to it!


*Huggles Everyone*
XoX
Rozzalyn

The Cube Personality Test

Not ready to take on a full fledged cold reading? Then try the five minute personality test. It will still amaze the target and lead her to believe you have psychic abilities. Take a pen and piece of paper, or napkin so she can write down her answers. Better yet have her draw a picture as you tell the story.

You are walking alone in the desert and you come across a cube.

How big is the cube?
What color is the cube?
How does that color make you feel?
Can you see inside the cube?
How big is the cube compared to the desert?

You see a ladder.

Is the ladder leaning on the cube?
What color is the ladder?
What is the distance between the cube and the ladder?

You see a horse.

What is the distance between the cube and the horse?
What color is the horse?
Is the horse tied up or roaming freely?
Is the horse wearing a saddle?

There is a storm.

What is the distance between the storm and the cube?
Is the size of the storm big or small?
Is the storm passing by or staying in place?
Is the storm violent, thunder, and lightning or calm and light rain?

You see a flower.

Is there only one flower or many?
Where is the flower, what is it next to?
What color is the flower?
















Meanings:

Cube: The cube represents you and how you see yourself in the world. If the cube is transparent that means people can see right through you. The material the cube is made of represents feelings, and how tough of a front you put up. The size of the cube compared to the desert represents your ego. If the cube is large in comparison to the desert you think highly of yourself.

Ladder: The ladder represents your friends. If the ladder is leaning on the cube, your friends tend to lean on you for support. The distance between the cube and the ladder shows how close you are to your friends.

Horse: The horse represents you lover or ideal lover. The distance between the horse and the cube represents the closeness you have with your current lover. If the horse is tied up, then it shows the need to be controlling in a relationship. If the horse has a saddle then you feel safe with them. If the horse is free and not saddled, it means you view your lover as uncontrollable, unpredictable.

Storm: The storm represents some obstacle in your life. If the storm is passing, the issue is current with a resolution in the near future. If the storm is staying put, it has been an ongoing obstacle in your life with no resolution in sight. The size of the storm represents how big of an obstacle this is to you, as does the distance. The further away the storm the less importance you place on it. If the storm is violent it means this obstacle is causing quite some grief.

Flower: The flower represents your children or desire to have children. The closer the flower is to the cube, the closer you feel to your children or the thought of having children. The more flowers the more kids you wish to have. Also represent projects you like to work on.

Meanings of Colors

You can ask just the basic questions or choose to go into more detail and ask about the colors of the cube, ladder, horse, storm, and flowers. Below is a list of colors and what each means.

Black: Black is the color of authority, elegance, sophistication, and seduction. Black can also imply submission such as a woman who is wearing black panties implies she wants the man to see her in her underwear.

White: White symbolizes innocence and purity, which is why the wedding dress is white. Doctors wear a white coat to imply sterility and cleanliness.

Red: The color of dominance, power, and sexual energy, the color red attracts attention. It is also the color of love.

Blue: One of the most popular colors, blue represents knowledge, authority, and loyalty. Blue causes the body to produce calming chemicals so it is often used in bedrooms. The color blue shows loyalty.

Green: Green represents compassion, prosperity, money, and vitality. It is a relaxing color. Many TV studios have a “green room” for people to sit in to relax before they go on the air.

Yellow: Yellow is another attention getter. While it is considered an optimistic color, symbolizing enthusiasm and playfulness. The color yellow is very difficult for the human eye to take in and can be overpowering.

Purple: Purple is the color of royalty. It represents luxury, wealth, and sophistication. It is also feminine and romantic and rarely found in nature.

Brown: Old reliable brown. Brown shows stability. It is the color of earth and a favorite of most men.

The five minute personality test is designed to be quick and easy. You can be as elaborate as you wish by asking more questions or keep it simple and ask very minimal questions. I like to keep the number of questions I ask minimal as to keep my interpretations open thus more likely to get a response from the intended target. Have her draw the picture as you tell the story, so you can banter her later about her crude drawings.

Self Actualization my dear

People that have reached self-actualization are characterized by certain behaviors. Common traits amongst people that have reached self-actualization are as follows: [5]

They embrace reality and facts rather than denying truth.
They are spontaneous.
They are interested in solving problems.
They are accepting of themselves and also others and lack prejudice.

Visual Representation

Learn it, Live it, Love it

XoX
Moi

Biography

Born in Charleroi, Belgium at Notre Dame Hospital to Beatrice and Edward on November 25th. Spent the first year of life in Belgium and then moved to Tokyo, Japan for an additional year. After that contract was up we relocated to Barcelona, Spain. My father is an English teacher hence why we moved so much. He is originally from Queens and has lived parts of his life in Long Island as well. When I was about four years old we returned back to New York and I attended a school especially just to learn English as a language of reference since I had picked up several languages being exposed to different cultures. When we returned to New York my sister Greta was born in Stony brook, Long Island. She was born with Down Syndrome and later developed Autism, Hyperactivity and Diabetes.

Shortly after that my mother relocated the family to Orlando, Florida where my parents divorced at age 6. At age thirteen I moved to Los Angeles for 7th grade with my dad in West Hollywood.Six months later I returned to Florida and lived there until I graduated high school. I graduated high school with Honors. The summer before my senior year of high school, I went to Europe. I saw where I was born and stayed with my mother's family in Fleureus. Real World Seattle played a lot and that's when I decided I loved the Boston accent and I applied to college only there and got in. Other visits included London, England, Venice, Italy and Paris, France. I decided to go to school for Criminal Justice because of my love for Science and Art. I wanted to focus more on Forensics.

Then school was over for me and I relocated back to Los Angeles.After three months I decided to move back to Boston and go on a road trip with a friend I had made before I left.We drove through New England and ended up living in Toronto for a few months before deciding to leave and move to Chicago. Stayed in Chicago for about a year and then for the fall season relocated to Pittsburgh for a Costume Stylist job. In the month of November 2007 I took a plane to three different states, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts and Florida. After spending my birthday in Boston I left three days later and moved back to Orlando. Stayed in Orlando until the summer began and moved back to Chicago. I was hired as a Costume Stylist again and did well until a lay off had me relocate once more. As of late October 2008 I'm located in the NYC area. I've been working on modeling, acting and theatre gigs. First stable job I had was a personal assistant to a stock trader, then after that worked in retail for a bit before getting the job I always wanted. Currently my educational goals are in Art/Archival/Museum Studies.

On the next Sick Sad World

Can someone say Anger Management?

So glad I don't live in this hell hole anymore, there IS something in the water down there!

Available for consumption

Porn for Thought

Come see this if you get a chance!

Libido (Genetically Linked)

Libido & Genetics

I've been thinking about this lately, maybe its because my parents were so open about sex with me but maybe its genetic and this some how relates to intimacy in some way, its ironic as open as they were about discussing sex with me one of them in particular was very closed off emotionally to me.

It's crazy how sometimes strangers are nicer to you than your own flesh and blood. Sometimes I think it's better to treat people as strangers rather than friends or family. We have too much emotion invested in our lineage and about procreating.

Thoughts? Comments? Share

Writing Assignment

My friend and I decided to pick random words and then use it somehow in a narrative, letter etc. here is what I came up with.


Dearest Isabelle,

Within the shadows I have awaited for you fair maiden and your deviant smile that satisfies my cravings of effectual affection.

A cyclone of reveries, you swept me up into social artifice; a quaver of hearten in my quest to upend my duties to France.

You shook the very foundation of all that is my ephemeral existence.

Tonight you promised to disclose intimately the myriad of details about your estranged frere.

do not feel you are fueling my illusions of grandeur. You are quite dear to me. if you once more recite your spiel of solitary confinement, I shall be forced to defenestrate myself without hesitance.

Am I self-deprecating enough for you love? Here I lie in lachrymose lingering eternally for you my enchantress.

Clean Slate = Happiness

There are a lot of things that make me smile and happy that I forgot about. Spending lots of time alone helps me realize them all over again.

Today I finally got the 10 page handwritten letter from a friend I've had for 10 years and seriously reading it made me so incredibly happy. It starts out to my dearest friend and just that alone makes my Grey muscle react, plus its so genuine; I can relate to all the things she wrote, I've been there, I'm glad those situations happen less and less frequently. It's not that I don't have compassion, its just I don't feel sorry for people who put themselves in bad situations. play victims and expect me to give a shit.

If you have time to complain about it, you have time to do something about it instead, yes we all need to vent, but sometimes you just need to take care of things and don't waste your words on such energy sucking endeavors.

It was really nice out tonight, I got everything I needed done as far as errands etc so yay. I've been catching up on my Zzz's and I am getting back into my interests and projects and that makes me really happy because I believe that to be the root of my malaise of lately. I was so incredibly uncomfortable but putting an end to a lot of things and replacing them with something new helped tremendously.

I'm again an empty free-floating vessel and that brings me the greatest joy of all. I will definitely be spending more time on my interests and less time socializing unless it has any real benefits. I really have more pressing issues than what am I gonna wear to the club tonight and how am I going to ward off getting hit on by people I have no interest in sleeping with.


p.s. look at this link it looks like fun! Guuumeee Bears, okay yes its from Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Reasons Why Living Alone is Optimal

It all started on February 14th, I went to look at this place in Bushwick- Brooklyn and the room was cool and I met the roommate and they seemed interesting and laid back. My belongings were in storage and I was set to move in on February 20th and even took the day off work to do it.

Sign #1 Weird Text Message
Sign #2 Malarkey Excuse for why a key cannot be made
Sign #3 Having to call in order to be let into the building (screams control issues)

Whilest living there:
Sign #4 No Mailbox
Sign #5 No rent receipt/illegal sublet

So Friday the 20th rolls around and the roommate (not going to use real name so lets use Ursula)
welcomes me in and is very laid back and nice. A friend from Boston happens to be like 10 minutes away from me so I go and hang out with her. While I'm at my friends place hanging out, I get these texts from my roommate but I can't read them and so I call and say, hey Ursula what's up? She says, yeah can you give me a massage and I was like um what? and I said listen I don't feel comfortable doing that, there are boundaries as roommates. Subject is dropped

So the weekend comes around, I work go out etc and then there is another incident where the other roommate staying there who is a straight male, George, attempts to kiss me and I have to say don't come near me I will knock you out. The following day I talk with Ursula and see states oh I wish you had told me sooner, I'm really sorry and I say look I don't feel comfortable staying there with that situation already taking place, not to mention I had a bad feeling about her as well. By this point we're in the middle/end of the week. It's now Friday and I decide to come home after not being there for a few days and Ursula is really chill with me and we just decide to talk and hang out. All of a sudden she decides she wants to teach me a martial art move and I tell her no she can just explain it to me but then I end up humoring her and then she slaps me in the face and then I get up and say listen, that is not acceptable behavior. We end up wrestling a bit and I just keep restraining her so that she cannot hit me in anyway. The other roommate George is calling to get into the building since thats the only way you can get in. She ignores the calls and attacks me once more and then again I have to restrain her.

Finally she lets George in and then him and I are having a conversation and she storms into the room again attempting to attack me and once again I have to restrain her and I do so with one arm. Then when I let go she spits at me and misses and then comes into my room and slaps me in the face to purposely provoke me but I don't respond because I have a temper and I didn't want the situation to escalate anymore than it did. I said to Ursula, I'm going to bed, you have a good night.

She was threatening me saying, I've going to have a bunch of Russian men rape you. Oh I'm going to have my doctor send you a bill, I'm a cripple, you're abusive. Basically trying to be a victim.

So I spend all of Saturday moving my shit out, half I carry alone on the train to my new place and then I have to wait out the rest of the day until Ursula decides to come home and let George the other roommate in so I can get the last of my things. I have to wait until George says he is home in order to get my things, I don't go alone because I don't know if she is going to attack me again and I want a witness present. I meet my friend up and we go to my place and get my things and then she wont answer her phone and George's phone is turned off, so I bang on the neighbors window and he lets me in.

He keeps asking me is everything okay? and my friend and I are like yeah. I grab my belongings with my friends help and I give the key back and say I want my money back and she refuses to give it to me and I say you know what you keep it. I go downstairs with all my stuff and I'm trying to call a cab and the neighbor comes out and we start talking and then he is telling me that she has done this to everyone who has ever lived with her and they have been trying to get her evicted for the past 3 years.

Then I take a cab back to the city and move my stuff in and decide to go back to Brooklyn and call the police, because I did have minor scratches on me from the altercation.

Basically because there was no witnesses or rather that George would not say anything due to fear, the case was dropped and no paperwork was filled out. Justice needs to be served, boy do I feel like John Walsh saying that.

Taste the wealth of hate in me

News

This month is already like half over...

Need to go to Chicago for a photoshoot

Boston for a weekend would be great just to pick up the last bit of paperwork left behind.

Maybe Florida or Mexico next month...... Can't wait for that tax return.

Hopefully moving into a new place next week
Also this new job... very excited, waiting to hear back about it

Spoke with the Belgian consulate on the phone, the lady I'm working with is going to call me back with the details to see if I can obtain the citizenship.

Oh so much to do and so little time to do it!

Baise Moi

listening to L7 reminds me of a lot of things, but it makes me want to chug a bottle of vodka or whiskey and yell at people and pick fights.

I really should pick up boxing or something this is ridiculous, I just have all this rage for no reason; its probably the years of holding it in. Also I don't like when I'm behaving and someone starts shit with me, because the other person ends up hurt and then expect me to feel bad for it... if you play with fire you get burned, so stop doing it.

I don't start fights with people usually but when the opportunity arises I just want to be able to take them up on that offer. Violence is a learned behavior.


Stop trying to consume me
Stop trying to have and hold me

oh and i knew there was a reason I liked Babes in Toyland
YES


Sorry Cherubs for the long pause in the bloggage, mommy has a new job.

going to listen to bjork and sleep

This is how it begins, you push it away but it all comes back again

now everything is clear
I erase the fear
I can disappear
(please) I don't ever want to make it stop
-"Please"- NIN


I've applied to 2 different agencies based in NYC, so I will find out the results very soon.
This month is getting jammed pack with all sorts of new gigs so I'm happy about that, I just need to get over this hump and then I'm good. I have an interview today, wish me all the luck in the world, this place is so me and its a job I really love and enjoy.

Then I have to worry about all these other things but I'm doing better than I was before, I'm getting closer to my goals.

This year I'm focusing more on:

*Stronger portfolio
*More acting work
*Financial Stability
*International Travel
*Focus more on performing (stage, dancing etc)
*Coming out with a line of my custom made designs
*Getting new shoes (I seriously have like no shoes)