Lost but not seeking to find

Sitting in a cold, dark noisy room on the 4th floor feels like I'm squatting

Bathtub is unfinished, room doesn't have the proper flooring put in

I'm debating about creating
It just feels like each day passes by too quickly for anything to really be accomplished
Isolation from everyone helps for me to grasp this notion

I was 19, sitting in your apartment on the 2nd floor in a state close to NY; you had a gf she was a bitch to me and she was the same age I'm turning in 5 days. I'll never forget what I said to myself, I'll never be like that when I turn that age, what happens now is that I realize its beyond my control, its completely natural and chemically based. You revert to being that insecure 15/16 year old you once were and then it levels off.


I talk to Lu who is a friend I've had for a little over 10 years; we are plotting our escapes from our mutually oppressive metropolises. I'll be able to laugh this all off soon.

5 days until my birthday...

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The more things don't work out the more I stop caring if they ever will, I'm just about to throw in my towel completely. It's upsetting to constantly be in this neutral state but it works for the moment. I never thought new york could ever be like fl or that my mentality could ever come so close to that time I felt like hey, its time to jump ship. I'll severe all my ties in lesser degrees, I'll stop trying to make friends etc and you know what will happen (as it always does) I'm going to meet someone awesome who is going to really make me regret having to leave but I'll leave anyway and maybe the next one will follow me also but at this point it doesn't matter to me anymore.



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On the positive side:

I saw Skinny puppy on Tuesday and had a blast!

here is video footage
Visual Stimulation

Made some wicked cute underwear out of new fabric that I got


This was a nightmare that I will soon wake up from

<3 moi

~~Daintier, smarter, better dressed~~

Everything is fucked up again but this time it's not so bad. I'm more prepared than ever before and I'm not even really upset. I was in that {slam the door, lock it behind me, cry my heart out on the floor mode} from all the past season's stress.

The only thing that gets to me is the sense of immediacy; the lack of being busy, the shroud of stability that I'm always after and which always seems to elude me.

Half the time I'm not really upset, I just pretend to be and maybe its just for the conflict to stimulate my brain.


Trevor Goodchild: The dream to awaken our world...
Æon Flux: Youre out of control.
Trevor Goodchild: I take control! Whose side are you on?
Æon Flux: I take no side...
Trevor Goodchild: You're skating the edge.
Æon Flux: I am the edge!
Trevor Goodchild: What you *truly* want, only I can give.
Æon Flux: You cant give it, can't even buy it, and you just dont
*get* it.