clammy hands, drooling lots of it
space odyssey is a terrible movie, its like a necessary evil. I don't ever want to watch it again.
present same ideas but in a new format
Change game plan
Silence has been going on for hours and it was nerve wracking but now its calm. I'm not used to peacefulness.
im brought back to a younger me, when I was about 16-17 and I was really quiet and didnt speak to many people and I read a lot of books and stayed home.
working at a bookstore killed my enthusiasm for books but you know what suckahs its back with a vengeance. Technically im still employed my discount still works, so if anyone wants a discount off of barnes and noble tell me.
I need a vanity set i need to decorate. uh two of hearts just popped into my head...
I heard that song the first time I went into a nyc thrift store and when i found the most awesome dress that I had to have.
I need a dress form and a sewing machine, im tired of sewing by hand.
there was this guidance counselor when i was in elementary school
I almost got into gifted they tested me twice, thats how close i was.
she gave me this book on how to design clothes and it was wicked old from like the 50s-60s and it was so basic but she gave it to me, so i could learn how to design and i think i fiddled with it but ultimately i just kept it. But i still have it somewhere in all of my things. I want to write that counselor a letter if I ever design more clothes etc. She is the first person to encourage my design ability.
When i was 9 or so my best friend and I would go around to the neighbors and collect clothes and go through them and I would cut things up until i liked them better. But a lot of it we sent to her family in the Philippines. What did I want to be when I grew up? a fashion designer or an ice skater, i dont know why but i did, i liked rollerblading a lot, me and Amy would go in our circle front and backwards and we listened to Stevie B and ATB and Captain Hollywood and all the other things that we would borrow from her mom's cd collection. We would borrow the cds that her mom bought and make mixed tapes, i love mixed tapes. WE used some of my tapes and I sorta regret taping over, its me as a little baby and it was just so weird for me to hear, it made me wanna cry. I looked at a picture from when i was 3 and i cant identify with it at all, its like i'm never who i look at in the mirror.
p.s. im sorry that I ruin shit but im working on doing better
p.s.s i need a best friend who lives near me
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Back in my life
I didn't even want to leave the house I was tired but I knew it would be worth it. I took the train ride from j.p and was on the guest list and walked around until I ran into the person who guest-listed me :) *huggles*
Then I was sitting down and the most awesome person ever, who I have shared many good times with, ran up and hugged me for the longest and it just made everything all better and then we filled each other in on some missed details of our lives. We reminisced about the silly adventures we went on together. They told me what they got me for my birthday and when I get it, I will pretend to be surprised.
I spoke with their significant other and that went decently enough. I was then introduced to my former roommate of only a week from 2-3 years ago. He remembered me and he was like telling me these details he remembered about me and I did the same. I told him he was quite the asshole back then, he apologized. I was caught up on the lives of former party goers I used to see around. I saw a lot of people who I had met before but never got to talk to very much.
More talking went on inside and outside and smoking of cloves.
Finally time to go to the after party and so we do and there was a lot of familiar faces and familiar pieces of furniture as well! My friend had inherited the old furniture of my first apartment, in which I def had sex on that couch and stained it with one of my old boyfriends.
I ended up listening to **WISH** in the dark with red Christmas lights on, having one of the most deeply honest conversations you can have with an almost complete stranger, who has met you but forgot they met you. It was really nice and innocent and we slow danced to Duran Duran.
I got back to J.p at 8am and rushed and had to pack, dry, shower, etc and ended up busting the zipper on my luggage so I ended up duct taping my suitcase together. I ran and it felt like a marathon, stairs, more stairs, wrong building, more elevators and I almost shoved a small child cause I had 4 minutes until the bus was scheduled to leave and you know what they waited an extra 10-15 minutes so I felt silly for having rushed so hard.
I feel like that last night made the whole Boston trip worth it because in this one night/morning I had never felt so much affection from my friend's before and I def wasn't feeling loved with all the disappointments that have come out of this trip. But honestly I'm fine, I'm so over my past.
The Boston exes are no more, I don't need to talk to their family, I don't need to talk to them and for the person who just wants to self-destruct well have fun with that.
Then I was sitting down and the most awesome person ever, who I have shared many good times with, ran up and hugged me for the longest and it just made everything all better and then we filled each other in on some missed details of our lives. We reminisced about the silly adventures we went on together. They told me what they got me for my birthday and when I get it, I will pretend to be surprised.
I spoke with their significant other and that went decently enough. I was then introduced to my former roommate of only a week from 2-3 years ago. He remembered me and he was like telling me these details he remembered about me and I did the same. I told him he was quite the asshole back then, he apologized. I was caught up on the lives of former party goers I used to see around. I saw a lot of people who I had met before but never got to talk to very much.
More talking went on inside and outside and smoking of cloves.
Finally time to go to the after party and so we do and there was a lot of familiar faces and familiar pieces of furniture as well! My friend had inherited the old furniture of my first apartment, in which I def had sex on that couch and stained it with one of my old boyfriends.
I ended up listening to **WISH** in the dark with red Christmas lights on, having one of the most deeply honest conversations you can have with an almost complete stranger, who has met you but forgot they met you. It was really nice and innocent and we slow danced to Duran Duran.
I got back to J.p at 8am and rushed and had to pack, dry, shower, etc and ended up busting the zipper on my luggage so I ended up duct taping my suitcase together. I ran and it felt like a marathon, stairs, more stairs, wrong building, more elevators and I almost shoved a small child cause I had 4 minutes until the bus was scheduled to leave and you know what they waited an extra 10-15 minutes so I felt silly for having rushed so hard.
I feel like that last night made the whole Boston trip worth it because in this one night/morning I had never felt so much affection from my friend's before and I def wasn't feeling loved with all the disappointments that have come out of this trip. But honestly I'm fine, I'm so over my past.
The Boston exes are no more, I don't need to talk to their family, I don't need to talk to them and for the person who just wants to self-destruct well have fun with that.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Acrimony between women
Why do women have to hate other women?
why do girls feel like they have to tear each other down?
because we still live in a patriarchal society, because women are still insecure, the media also feeds their insecurities. Shows like gossip girl where girls are backstabbing each other and competing for men... that says a lot about American culture.
Schools should set girls aside and teach them confidence and how to have self-esteem, I had to learn how to do that all by myself, maybe I would have avoided having to feel like shit if there had been classes, but I also had a strong female role model, like hell my mom would let me be some weak bitch, I wasn't even allowed to cry, I got hit for crying.
You know that when I was a pro domme we were only allowed to read books that were pro female or bdsm related, and honestly I never felt so powerful as I did doing this for a job, the only time I ever heard something negative about it was from a man who was threatened by a powerful woman;who want to tear you down and call you a whore because they are ignorant.
When I was a teenager I had to leave a party because the girls at the party thought I was hitting on their bf's when the most I even said to anyone was hi and can I have a cigarette. Girls are still jealous of me and its like oh I thought we were over all of this but I guess not.
But then again, their insecurity and jealousy is their problem. Recently a friend's gf saw me and wouldn't even say hi, so all I did was smile at her cause you know what, I don't have anything to prove, I'm a lovely young thing so be as jealous as you want to be.
I've got plenty of examples where girls have been so insecure but I do find that since I've gotten older it does seem to happen less, but another thing, I will never fight for a boy, cause there are plenty of them out there. When I see shows like Cheater and you always see the girl go after the other girl, that bothers me, cause you know what your man probably lied to the girl and she had no idea about you, why aren't you going after him.
So let's review girls...
Don't fight for a man, cause there are plenty out there
Don't be insecure and talk shit, cause it looks bad on you and its immature, grow the fuck up
Don't keep the cycle of women against women going, you don't have to be a lesbian to be pro female
why do girls feel like they have to tear each other down?
because we still live in a patriarchal society, because women are still insecure, the media also feeds their insecurities. Shows like gossip girl where girls are backstabbing each other and competing for men... that says a lot about American culture.
Schools should set girls aside and teach them confidence and how to have self-esteem, I had to learn how to do that all by myself, maybe I would have avoided having to feel like shit if there had been classes, but I also had a strong female role model, like hell my mom would let me be some weak bitch, I wasn't even allowed to cry, I got hit for crying.
You know that when I was a pro domme we were only allowed to read books that were pro female or bdsm related, and honestly I never felt so powerful as I did doing this for a job, the only time I ever heard something negative about it was from a man who was threatened by a powerful woman;who want to tear you down and call you a whore because they are ignorant.
When I was a teenager I had to leave a party because the girls at the party thought I was hitting on their bf's when the most I even said to anyone was hi and can I have a cigarette. Girls are still jealous of me and its like oh I thought we were over all of this but I guess not.
But then again, their insecurity and jealousy is their problem. Recently a friend's gf saw me and wouldn't even say hi, so all I did was smile at her cause you know what, I don't have anything to prove, I'm a lovely young thing so be as jealous as you want to be.
I've got plenty of examples where girls have been so insecure but I do find that since I've gotten older it does seem to happen less, but another thing, I will never fight for a boy, cause there are plenty of them out there. When I see shows like Cheater and you always see the girl go after the other girl, that bothers me, cause you know what your man probably lied to the girl and she had no idea about you, why aren't you going after him.
So let's review girls...
Don't fight for a man, cause there are plenty out there
Don't be insecure and talk shit, cause it looks bad on you and its immature, grow the fuck up
Don't keep the cycle of women against women going, you don't have to be a lesbian to be pro female
Sunday, November 9, 2008
My Birthday Wishlist
Bauhaus mixed cd which will include: She's in Parties
A pair of cool heels or shoes (Size 8-8.5)
Red eyeshadow
Full body massage
Marc Jacobs- Daisy perfume or something similar, nothing too strong
Baked goods/Food
*****Fabric****
*****Winter Coat/ Thick Hoodie*****
Take me on a trip sometime, anywhere random would be fun :) Vegas would be fun
Handmade things I always like best, make me cards and put glitter on it
A pair of cool heels or shoes (Size 8-8.5)
Red eyeshadow
Full body massage
Marc Jacobs- Daisy perfume or something similar, nothing too strong
Baked goods/Food
*****Fabric****
*****Winter Coat/ Thick Hoodie*****
Take me on a trip sometime, anywhere random would be fun :) Vegas would be fun
Handmade things I always like best, make me cards and put glitter on it
Last night's occurances
I did laundry the a few nights ago, and I went with Al and when we went back to dry he forgot to press the start button so when we went back we had to start drying all over and almost didn't get our clothes dried.
My hair is purple now yay its pretty. I baked blueberry chocolate chips muffins.
Went to a club where I was on the guest list but when I showed up they didn't see my name there for some reason and I couldn't get ahold of the host or the person who put me on the list. After the fact of course I was on the list, its weird that the door people said I wasn't.
I went around the corner and waited and then some random guy from boston started talking to me, he got kicked out for passing out in the bathroom and needed a disguise and I was walking around with him and then decided to leave cause he was irritating.
So I hopped on the train and had to think about where the place was but I remembered the stop so I got off and then I instinctively found the place. I met up with an online friend that I had known for 6 years and never met.
I got a sweet drink special and hooked up with some cherries and whiskey shots. I ended up talking to the bartender for awhile as well as various people in the bar and dancing too :)
I asked the bartender for his number and he told me he was married heh, oops.
This random guy asked me my sign and he thought I was a Scorpio but then was happy I'm a Sagittarius we talked and ended up taking a cab back to his flat. He showed me all his pets which consisted of 3 different species of tarantulas and a tiger-like cat. I had tea and he stretched me out since he is a chiropractor. He also does lighting assistant for magazines and so we ended up doing a impromptu photo shoot with his real tiger skin rug.
It was quaint and then I left and took the long train ride home back to Brooklyn.
Today I got, "She's in parties" stuck in my head.
Oh yay I'm having a birthday party with (the french boy who lives down the hall) his birthday is the 18th.
My hair is purple now yay its pretty. I baked blueberry chocolate chips muffins.
Went to a club where I was on the guest list but when I showed up they didn't see my name there for some reason and I couldn't get ahold of the host or the person who put me on the list. After the fact of course I was on the list, its weird that the door people said I wasn't.
I went around the corner and waited and then some random guy from boston started talking to me, he got kicked out for passing out in the bathroom and needed a disguise and I was walking around with him and then decided to leave cause he was irritating.
So I hopped on the train and had to think about where the place was but I remembered the stop so I got off and then I instinctively found the place. I met up with an online friend that I had known for 6 years and never met.
I got a sweet drink special and hooked up with some cherries and whiskey shots. I ended up talking to the bartender for awhile as well as various people in the bar and dancing too :)
I asked the bartender for his number and he told me he was married heh, oops.
This random guy asked me my sign and he thought I was a Scorpio but then was happy I'm a Sagittarius we talked and ended up taking a cab back to his flat. He showed me all his pets which consisted of 3 different species of tarantulas and a tiger-like cat. I had tea and he stretched me out since he is a chiropractor. He also does lighting assistant for magazines and so we ended up doing a impromptu photo shoot with his real tiger skin rug.
It was quaint and then I left and took the long train ride home back to Brooklyn.
Today I got, "She's in parties" stuck in my head.
Oh yay I'm having a birthday party with (the french boy who lives down the hall) his birthday is the 18th.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I changed my O.S. and I wish I had done it sooner
I'm running Ubuntu side by side with Windows until I get everything backed up and then its bye bye windows and then I think I can use my computer for a few more years at least.
:)
:)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
More News...
Last night was election night as you know it....
I get home from the set and the person I'm staying with is having a clothing optional party and it spans our apartment and another apartment in the building with the doors wide open.
In the place I'm staying at it was pretty tame but the other place there was an orgy going on and it was no one I would ever want to see naked. People in their 50's and 60's.
So then another one of my housemates decided he wanted to go to Time Square so we took the camera and went; we took pictures on the subway.
The camera's battery died as we tried to take pictures but we got 3 different people to take our pictures and so far only one person emailed us the photos.
Shows the pics
One picture from on set today on KINGS. Keep checking the link for more updated photos :)
I got back and went to sleep after 3am and had a 7am call time! I woke up at 7:15 and booked it to the subway and took the G train the wrong way then accidentally took the F and then took the V and switched to the L to get the G again. Needless to say I was extremely damn late, I got there about 3 hours late. It was such a long day I did overtime I was there for about 14 hours. But that paycheck is gonna be sweet so and the Goths had our close up. Leslie Bibb was on set yesterday and I heard about her diva ways today while walking to the G train after we wrapped.
I'm going to Central Casting tomorrow.
Got a new pic from the photoshoot I did the other day :)
I get home from the set and the person I'm staying with is having a clothing optional party and it spans our apartment and another apartment in the building with the doors wide open.
In the place I'm staying at it was pretty tame but the other place there was an orgy going on and it was no one I would ever want to see naked. People in their 50's and 60's.
So then another one of my housemates decided he wanted to go to Time Square so we took the camera and went; we took pictures on the subway.
The camera's battery died as we tried to take pictures but we got 3 different people to take our pictures and so far only one person emailed us the photos.
Shows the pics
One picture from on set today on KINGS. Keep checking the link for more updated photos :)
I got back and went to sleep after 3am and had a 7am call time! I woke up at 7:15 and booked it to the subway and took the G train the wrong way then accidentally took the F and then took the V and switched to the L to get the G again. Needless to say I was extremely damn late, I got there about 3 hours late. It was such a long day I did overtime I was there for about 14 hours. But that paycheck is gonna be sweet so and the Goths had our close up. Leslie Bibb was on set yesterday and I heard about her diva ways today while walking to the G train after we wrapped.
I'm going to Central Casting tomorrow.
Got a new pic from the photoshoot I did the other day :)
Sisters of Mercy+ much more
so i go to see Sisters of Mercy and I forgot one little detail, I'm in NYC and who the f*ck is gonna be there but yeah that's right my old best friend. It's like how can someone who used to adore me, follow me around, love me so much etc fucking be so bitter and angry; So I walk in and literally he is right fucking there. I say hi and he laughs which I'm like w.e ya know. but still wtf.
Vanessa saw me on t.v. today and she recorded it, i cant wait to see it!
I have to call to find out when I'm working.
I spent fucking 52 bucks on a Sisters of Mercy and honestly I wished I didn't. It could have been so much better, maybe if I was up close I would have enjoyed it more. Maybe if some hot goth kid held my hand, by the way whomever was the guitarist was extremely hot, and I was ready to sneak backstage, actually I tried but I didn't see any alley or else I would have.
But at least my dress is awesome.
Vanessa saw me on t.v. today and she recorded it, i cant wait to see it!
I have to call to find out when I'm working.
I spent fucking 52 bucks on a Sisters of Mercy and honestly I wished I didn't. It could have been so much better, maybe if I was up close I would have enjoyed it more. Maybe if some hot goth kid held my hand, by the way whomever was the guitarist was extremely hot, and I was ready to sneak backstage, actually I tried but I didn't see any alley or else I would have.
But at least my dress is awesome.
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