There is something very rewarding about spending time with old friends, to see the progress they have made and that you've made. The past few days I've been feeling nostalgic for no apparent reason, starting listening to The Becoming and it felt very right, put me back into that head space of being a 16 year old introvert.
All the best of my friends are introverts at heart.
I can feel how close I am to finally getting to the place I want to in my life and career. I'll still probably always feel behind in some way, but considering all the obstacles I've had to crawl out of it, could be much worse. I'm incredibly lucky in so many ways and I've driven.
You never stop being an overachiever, its built into you.
I need a weekend to myself to just get out of all the work flow etc. Vacation is coming up soon so that's probably going to be it.
Tonight reminiscing with an old friend, fondly recalling walking around alone, exploring. The first time experiencing that surge of independence and freedom.
I just spent on and off a week obsessing about a pivotal essay that is life changing. I counted minimum 15 discarded, reworked essay drafts.
Perhaps people don't see the perfectionist in me or maybe they do. I hate being bad at anything and naturally am good at most things. But oddly enough I don't care as much about the work I do for others. Apologies if that doesn't seem like such an epiphany.
Damned if I don't try projecting that....
I still bite my nails due to the obsessive nature of my restlessness and acute anxiety that is no longer debilitating. That 19 year old girl with social anxiety is long gone. (Quit Feb 2015)
I'm fantasizing about waking up one day in a place that birds chirps and there's a secret garden. No loud noises or asshole neighbors. Utopia.
Randomly in the middle of my pheasant job I realized that I am finding it harder and harder to have to attend social gatherings, because I am genuinely disinterested in the bulk of the patrons I meet have to say. It doesn't much matter since people are pretty self-absorbed and opportunistic, so the only thing we have is self-preservation.
What is most disappointing when I come across people who are on psyche meds, if you cant function I understand but otherwise just deal with shit.
No one told you life was going to be like this, I get that. but just deal with it.
Hey entitled millennial bs person, yeah no one cares about you, especially if you are not part of the elite. And trust me fellow urbanite it isn't you or me who is in that social circle.
Also its not cute or quirky that your roommate plays the accordion. Mostly because she's not a mime and isn't good either.
I've put out my feelers and done the very best I could do and can't do more than that.
I fantasize about 30K showers with custom rock walls and a steam room. Living in a "nice for NYC apartment" makes you feel like the modern equivalent of living in the poorest village in India.
Only because you know that you shouldn't be paying the crazy rent you pay for the shitty apartment you have, which is still nicer than a lot of other people's. You know that in order to have a standard nice apartment you have to pay through the nose.
All you need is a dollar and a dream, all you need is just a Red Bull and a pen.
