Lost but not seeking to find

Sitting in a cold, dark noisy room on the 4th floor feels like I'm squatting

Bathtub is unfinished, room doesn't have the proper flooring put in

I'm debating about creating
It just feels like each day passes by too quickly for anything to really be accomplished
Isolation from everyone helps for me to grasp this notion

I was 19, sitting in your apartment on the 2nd floor in a state close to NY; you had a gf she was a bitch to me and she was the same age I'm turning in 5 days. I'll never forget what I said to myself, I'll never be like that when I turn that age, what happens now is that I realize its beyond my control, its completely natural and chemically based. You revert to being that insecure 15/16 year old you once were and then it levels off.


I talk to Lu who is a friend I've had for a little over 10 years; we are plotting our escapes from our mutually oppressive metropolises. I'll be able to laugh this all off soon.

5 days until my birthday...

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The more things don't work out the more I stop caring if they ever will, I'm just about to throw in my towel completely. It's upsetting to constantly be in this neutral state but it works for the moment. I never thought new york could ever be like fl or that my mentality could ever come so close to that time I felt like hey, its time to jump ship. I'll severe all my ties in lesser degrees, I'll stop trying to make friends etc and you know what will happen (as it always does) I'm going to meet someone awesome who is going to really make me regret having to leave but I'll leave anyway and maybe the next one will follow me also but at this point it doesn't matter to me anymore.



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On the positive side:

I saw Skinny puppy on Tuesday and had a blast!

here is video footage
Visual Stimulation

Made some wicked cute underwear out of new fabric that I got


This was a nightmare that I will soon wake up from

<3 moi

~~Daintier, smarter, better dressed~~

Everything is fucked up again but this time it's not so bad. I'm more prepared than ever before and I'm not even really upset. I was in that {slam the door, lock it behind me, cry my heart out on the floor mode} from all the past season's stress.

The only thing that gets to me is the sense of immediacy; the lack of being busy, the shroud of stability that I'm always after and which always seems to elude me.

Half the time I'm not really upset, I just pretend to be and maybe its just for the conflict to stimulate my brain.


Trevor Goodchild: The dream to awaken our world...
Æon Flux: Youre out of control.
Trevor Goodchild: I take control! Whose side are you on?
Æon Flux: I take no side...
Trevor Goodchild: You're skating the edge.
Æon Flux: I am the edge!
Trevor Goodchild: What you *truly* want, only I can give.
Æon Flux: You cant give it, can't even buy it, and you just dont
*get* it.

Montreal and NYC: or how the rest was won

A rather odd arrangement in travel plans, very haphazardly pasted together at best. But details were ironed out fairly smoothly and then freedom was gained.

5 passengers in a rental on the way up, two were from nyc. One of the fellow passengers picked up on the connection whilst one was sleeping and the other had to deny the charges.

Reality Bites you in the Grey Muscle

Morbidity, Mortality, always on the edge of revealing

Must stay quiet, prompt, polite and reserved

"I practiced detachment. I learned how to look cheerful while under the table I stuck a fork into the back of my hand. I became a virtuoso of deceit. It wasn't pleasure I was after, it was knowledge. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers to find out what to think, and novelists to see what I could get away with, and in the end, I distilled everything to one wonderfully simple principle: win or die."

My aunt who has been battling cancer for the past few years, wants to commit assisted suicide. This will probably happen early next month.

I'm not perfect but I'd like to think I'm good at whatever it is that I chose to pursue and I often win but not before experiencing a massive amount of pain and loss. Now I don't think to myself, oh no you're too good to not experience loss and pain as that is a given and part of life, its just can't the pain come at better suited times, when you're just a little bit prepared for it. But then that brings me back to the Buddhist philosophy," even when you try and stop moving, the ground is still moving beneath you."

Engaging Debate on Hipsters

Just saw this posted from Museum @ FIT, what a relevant point they make.

This adbusters article is pretty hard on hipsters. It's not their fault that marketing culture consumes everything in its path. For the counter argument, the arts/culture site Lost in E minor recently defended hipsters. Both articles generated plenty of posts and it's all quite thought provoking and telling of our own biases and tendencies towards disdain.

Other related article


Discuss this amongst yourselves and openly

XoX
Rozzalyn

Social Darwinism Revisited

I can truly say I feel like I'm making an even bigger and better turn around.

I'm going in exactly the direction that I've been wanting to go and following the path I've set out for myself.

Work is great, couldn't ask for better music to be played, better people to work with and more interesting opportunities to present themselves.

Making 2 more dresses at the moment and plans for more, will start capturing (behind the scenes etc)

Boston this weekend yay, It's the Xmortis 5th Year anniversary, in homage to Manray of course.

Next week is all about apartment hunting, need to find a place by August 1st.


Which leads me back to Socializing, I've been going to more bbqs, house parties and just chilling with friends and I like it so much better. Clubs can be fun on occasion but really I've decided only monthly parties are worth it or special events, come on peeps we need some new blood/creativity in the scene, because this is a yawn! Was actually discussing this with my new manager...

I haven't even have time to sleep, volunteer or do anything else really, I try and fit things in where I can.

Also I have 3-4 new photo shoots coming up and 2 previous sets that I will get photos from.

oh and travel plans, Chicago and Philly very soon as in next month.

*That's all for now Cherubs*

Is making a huge cup of coffee because otherwise I won't be able to go out tonight, even though I shouldn't stay out too late as I have a bus to catch tomorrow.

and also I admit it... I'm addicted to Vita Coco... this stuff makes me feel so amazing, and I've noticed it might be a trend.. I swear every time I like something, it becomes popular wtf
Do they put crack it in lol... Visited a friend yesterday who also is addicted to it!


*Huggles Everyone*
XoX
Rozzalyn

The Cube Personality Test

Not ready to take on a full fledged cold reading? Then try the five minute personality test. It will still amaze the target and lead her to believe you have psychic abilities. Take a pen and piece of paper, or napkin so she can write down her answers. Better yet have her draw a picture as you tell the story.

You are walking alone in the desert and you come across a cube.

How big is the cube?
What color is the cube?
How does that color make you feel?
Can you see inside the cube?
How big is the cube compared to the desert?

You see a ladder.

Is the ladder leaning on the cube?
What color is the ladder?
What is the distance between the cube and the ladder?

You see a horse.

What is the distance between the cube and the horse?
What color is the horse?
Is the horse tied up or roaming freely?
Is the horse wearing a saddle?

There is a storm.

What is the distance between the storm and the cube?
Is the size of the storm big or small?
Is the storm passing by or staying in place?
Is the storm violent, thunder, and lightning or calm and light rain?

You see a flower.

Is there only one flower or many?
Where is the flower, what is it next to?
What color is the flower?
















Meanings:

Cube: The cube represents you and how you see yourself in the world. If the cube is transparent that means people can see right through you. The material the cube is made of represents feelings, and how tough of a front you put up. The size of the cube compared to the desert represents your ego. If the cube is large in comparison to the desert you think highly of yourself.

Ladder: The ladder represents your friends. If the ladder is leaning on the cube, your friends tend to lean on you for support. The distance between the cube and the ladder shows how close you are to your friends.

Horse: The horse represents you lover or ideal lover. The distance between the horse and the cube represents the closeness you have with your current lover. If the horse is tied up, then it shows the need to be controlling in a relationship. If the horse has a saddle then you feel safe with them. If the horse is free and not saddled, it means you view your lover as uncontrollable, unpredictable.

Storm: The storm represents some obstacle in your life. If the storm is passing, the issue is current with a resolution in the near future. If the storm is staying put, it has been an ongoing obstacle in your life with no resolution in sight. The size of the storm represents how big of an obstacle this is to you, as does the distance. The further away the storm the less importance you place on it. If the storm is violent it means this obstacle is causing quite some grief.

Flower: The flower represents your children or desire to have children. The closer the flower is to the cube, the closer you feel to your children or the thought of having children. The more flowers the more kids you wish to have. Also represent projects you like to work on.

Meanings of Colors

You can ask just the basic questions or choose to go into more detail and ask about the colors of the cube, ladder, horse, storm, and flowers. Below is a list of colors and what each means.

Black: Black is the color of authority, elegance, sophistication, and seduction. Black can also imply submission such as a woman who is wearing black panties implies she wants the man to see her in her underwear.

White: White symbolizes innocence and purity, which is why the wedding dress is white. Doctors wear a white coat to imply sterility and cleanliness.

Red: The color of dominance, power, and sexual energy, the color red attracts attention. It is also the color of love.

Blue: One of the most popular colors, blue represents knowledge, authority, and loyalty. Blue causes the body to produce calming chemicals so it is often used in bedrooms. The color blue shows loyalty.

Green: Green represents compassion, prosperity, money, and vitality. It is a relaxing color. Many TV studios have a “green room” for people to sit in to relax before they go on the air.

Yellow: Yellow is another attention getter. While it is considered an optimistic color, symbolizing enthusiasm and playfulness. The color yellow is very difficult for the human eye to take in and can be overpowering.

Purple: Purple is the color of royalty. It represents luxury, wealth, and sophistication. It is also feminine and romantic and rarely found in nature.

Brown: Old reliable brown. Brown shows stability. It is the color of earth and a favorite of most men.

The five minute personality test is designed to be quick and easy. You can be as elaborate as you wish by asking more questions or keep it simple and ask very minimal questions. I like to keep the number of questions I ask minimal as to keep my interpretations open thus more likely to get a response from the intended target. Have her draw the picture as you tell the story, so you can banter her later about her crude drawings.