Libido & Genetics
I've been thinking about this lately, maybe its because my parents were so open about sex with me but maybe its genetic and this some how relates to intimacy in some way, its ironic as open as they were about discussing sex with me one of them in particular was very closed off emotionally to me.
It's crazy how sometimes strangers are nicer to you than your own flesh and blood. Sometimes I think it's better to treat people as strangers rather than friends or family. We have too much emotion invested in our lineage and about procreating.
Thoughts? Comments? Share
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Writing Assignment
My friend and I decided to pick random words and then use it somehow in a narrative, letter etc. here is what I came up with.
Dearest Isabelle,
Within the shadows I have awaited for you fair maiden and your deviant smile that satisfies my cravings of effectual affection.
A cyclone of reveries, you swept me up into social artifice; a quaver of hearten in my quest to upend my duties to France.
You shook the very foundation of all that is my ephemeral existence.
Tonight you promised to disclose intimately the myriad of details about your estranged frere.
do not feel you are fueling my illusions of grandeur. You are quite dear to me. if you once more recite your spiel of solitary confinement, I shall be forced to defenestrate myself without hesitance.
Am I self-deprecating enough for you love? Here I lie in lachrymose lingering eternally for you my enchantress.
Dearest Isabelle,
Within the shadows I have awaited for you fair maiden and your deviant smile that satisfies my cravings of effectual affection.
A cyclone of reveries, you swept me up into social artifice; a quaver of hearten in my quest to upend my duties to France.
You shook the very foundation of all that is my ephemeral existence.
Tonight you promised to disclose intimately the myriad of details about your estranged frere.
do not feel you are fueling my illusions of grandeur. You are quite dear to me. if you once more recite your spiel of solitary confinement, I shall be forced to defenestrate myself without hesitance.
Am I self-deprecating enough for you love? Here I lie in lachrymose lingering eternally for you my enchantress.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Clean Slate = Happiness
There are a lot of things that make me smile and happy that I forgot about. Spending lots of time alone helps me realize them all over again.
Today I finally got the 10 page handwritten letter from a friend I've had for 10 years and seriously reading it made me so incredibly happy. It starts out to my dearest friend and just that alone makes my Grey muscle react, plus its so genuine; I can relate to all the things she wrote, I've been there, I'm glad those situations happen less and less frequently. It's not that I don't have compassion, its just I don't feel sorry for people who put themselves in bad situations. play victims and expect me to give a shit.
If you have time to complain about it, you have time to do something about it instead, yes we all need to vent, but sometimes you just need to take care of things and don't waste your words on such energy sucking endeavors.
It was really nice out tonight, I got everything I needed done as far as errands etc so yay. I've been catching up on my Zzz's and I am getting back into my interests and projects and that makes me really happy because I believe that to be the root of my malaise of lately. I was so incredibly uncomfortable but putting an end to a lot of things and replacing them with something new helped tremendously.
I'm again an empty free-floating vessel and that brings me the greatest joy of all. I will definitely be spending more time on my interests and less time socializing unless it has any real benefits. I really have more pressing issues than what am I gonna wear to the club tonight and how am I going to ward off getting hit on by people I have no interest in sleeping with.
p.s. look at this link it looks like fun! Guuumeee Bears, okay yes its from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Today I finally got the 10 page handwritten letter from a friend I've had for 10 years and seriously reading it made me so incredibly happy. It starts out to my dearest friend and just that alone makes my Grey muscle react, plus its so genuine; I can relate to all the things she wrote, I've been there, I'm glad those situations happen less and less frequently. It's not that I don't have compassion, its just I don't feel sorry for people who put themselves in bad situations. play victims and expect me to give a shit.
If you have time to complain about it, you have time to do something about it instead, yes we all need to vent, but sometimes you just need to take care of things and don't waste your words on such energy sucking endeavors.
It was really nice out tonight, I got everything I needed done as far as errands etc so yay. I've been catching up on my Zzz's and I am getting back into my interests and projects and that makes me really happy because I believe that to be the root of my malaise of lately. I was so incredibly uncomfortable but putting an end to a lot of things and replacing them with something new helped tremendously.
I'm again an empty free-floating vessel and that brings me the greatest joy of all. I will definitely be spending more time on my interests and less time socializing unless it has any real benefits. I really have more pressing issues than what am I gonna wear to the club tonight and how am I going to ward off getting hit on by people I have no interest in sleeping with.
p.s. look at this link it looks like fun! Guuumeee Bears, okay yes its from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Reasons Why Living Alone is Optimal
It all started on February 14th, I went to look at this place in Bushwick- Brooklyn and the room was cool and I met the roommate and they seemed interesting and laid back. My belongings were in storage and I was set to move in on February 20th and even took the day off work to do it.
Sign #1 Weird Text Message
Sign #2 Malarkey Excuse for why a key cannot be made
Sign #3 Having to call in order to be let into the building (screams control issues)
Whilest living there:
Sign #4 No Mailbox
Sign #5 No rent receipt/illegal sublet
So Friday the 20th rolls around and the roommate (not going to use real name so lets use Ursula)
welcomes me in and is very laid back and nice. A friend from Boston happens to be like 10 minutes away from me so I go and hang out with her. While I'm at my friends place hanging out, I get these texts from my roommate but I can't read them and so I call and say, hey Ursula what's up? She says, yeah can you give me a massage and I was like um what? and I said listen I don't feel comfortable doing that, there are boundaries as roommates. Subject is dropped
So the weekend comes around, I work go out etc and then there is another incident where the other roommate staying there who is a straight male, George, attempts to kiss me and I have to say don't come near me I will knock you out. The following day I talk with Ursula and see states oh I wish you had told me sooner, I'm really sorry and I say look I don't feel comfortable staying there with that situation already taking place, not to mention I had a bad feeling about her as well. By this point we're in the middle/end of the week. It's now Friday and I decide to come home after not being there for a few days and Ursula is really chill with me and we just decide to talk and hang out. All of a sudden she decides she wants to teach me a martial art move and I tell her no she can just explain it to me but then I end up humoring her and then she slaps me in the face and then I get up and say listen, that is not acceptable behavior. We end up wrestling a bit and I just keep restraining her so that she cannot hit me in anyway. The other roommate George is calling to get into the building since thats the only way you can get in. She ignores the calls and attacks me once more and then again I have to restrain her.
Finally she lets George in and then him and I are having a conversation and she storms into the room again attempting to attack me and once again I have to restrain her and I do so with one arm. Then when I let go she spits at me and misses and then comes into my room and slaps me in the face to purposely provoke me but I don't respond because I have a temper and I didn't want the situation to escalate anymore than it did. I said to Ursula, I'm going to bed, you have a good night.
She was threatening me saying, I've going to have a bunch of Russian men rape you. Oh I'm going to have my doctor send you a bill, I'm a cripple, you're abusive. Basically trying to be a victim.
So I spend all of Saturday moving my shit out, half I carry alone on the train to my new place and then I have to wait out the rest of the day until Ursula decides to come home and let George the other roommate in so I can get the last of my things. I have to wait until George says he is home in order to get my things, I don't go alone because I don't know if she is going to attack me again and I want a witness present. I meet my friend up and we go to my place and get my things and then she wont answer her phone and George's phone is turned off, so I bang on the neighbors window and he lets me in.
He keeps asking me is everything okay? and my friend and I are like yeah. I grab my belongings with my friends help and I give the key back and say I want my money back and she refuses to give it to me and I say you know what you keep it. I go downstairs with all my stuff and I'm trying to call a cab and the neighbor comes out and we start talking and then he is telling me that she has done this to everyone who has ever lived with her and they have been trying to get her evicted for the past 3 years.
Then I take a cab back to the city and move my stuff in and decide to go back to Brooklyn and call the police, because I did have minor scratches on me from the altercation.
Basically because there was no witnesses or rather that George would not say anything due to fear, the case was dropped and no paperwork was filled out. Justice needs to be served, boy do I feel like John Walsh saying that.
Sign #1 Weird Text Message
Sign #2 Malarkey Excuse for why a key cannot be made
Sign #3 Having to call in order to be let into the building (screams control issues)
Whilest living there:
Sign #4 No Mailbox
Sign #5 No rent receipt/illegal sublet
So Friday the 20th rolls around and the roommate (not going to use real name so lets use Ursula)
welcomes me in and is very laid back and nice. A friend from Boston happens to be like 10 minutes away from me so I go and hang out with her. While I'm at my friends place hanging out, I get these texts from my roommate but I can't read them and so I call and say, hey Ursula what's up? She says, yeah can you give me a massage and I was like um what? and I said listen I don't feel comfortable doing that, there are boundaries as roommates. Subject is dropped
So the weekend comes around, I work go out etc and then there is another incident where the other roommate staying there who is a straight male, George, attempts to kiss me and I have to say don't come near me I will knock you out. The following day I talk with Ursula and see states oh I wish you had told me sooner, I'm really sorry and I say look I don't feel comfortable staying there with that situation already taking place, not to mention I had a bad feeling about her as well. By this point we're in the middle/end of the week. It's now Friday and I decide to come home after not being there for a few days and Ursula is really chill with me and we just decide to talk and hang out. All of a sudden she decides she wants to teach me a martial art move and I tell her no she can just explain it to me but then I end up humoring her and then she slaps me in the face and then I get up and say listen, that is not acceptable behavior. We end up wrestling a bit and I just keep restraining her so that she cannot hit me in anyway. The other roommate George is calling to get into the building since thats the only way you can get in. She ignores the calls and attacks me once more and then again I have to restrain her.
Finally she lets George in and then him and I are having a conversation and she storms into the room again attempting to attack me and once again I have to restrain her and I do so with one arm. Then when I let go she spits at me and misses and then comes into my room and slaps me in the face to purposely provoke me but I don't respond because I have a temper and I didn't want the situation to escalate anymore than it did. I said to Ursula, I'm going to bed, you have a good night.
She was threatening me saying, I've going to have a bunch of Russian men rape you. Oh I'm going to have my doctor send you a bill, I'm a cripple, you're abusive. Basically trying to be a victim.
So I spend all of Saturday moving my shit out, half I carry alone on the train to my new place and then I have to wait out the rest of the day until Ursula decides to come home and let George the other roommate in so I can get the last of my things. I have to wait until George says he is home in order to get my things, I don't go alone because I don't know if she is going to attack me again and I want a witness present. I meet my friend up and we go to my place and get my things and then she wont answer her phone and George's phone is turned off, so I bang on the neighbors window and he lets me in.
He keeps asking me is everything okay? and my friend and I are like yeah. I grab my belongings with my friends help and I give the key back and say I want my money back and she refuses to give it to me and I say you know what you keep it. I go downstairs with all my stuff and I'm trying to call a cab and the neighbor comes out and we start talking and then he is telling me that she has done this to everyone who has ever lived with her and they have been trying to get her evicted for the past 3 years.
Then I take a cab back to the city and move my stuff in and decide to go back to Brooklyn and call the police, because I did have minor scratches on me from the altercation.
Basically because there was no witnesses or rather that George would not say anything due to fear, the case was dropped and no paperwork was filled out. Justice needs to be served, boy do I feel like John Walsh saying that.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Taste the wealth of hate in me
News
This month is already like half over...
Need to go to Chicago for a photoshoot
Boston for a weekend would be great just to pick up the last bit of paperwork left behind.
Maybe Florida or Mexico next month...... Can't wait for that tax return.
Hopefully moving into a new place next week
Also this new job... very excited, waiting to hear back about it
Spoke with the Belgian consulate on the phone, the lady I'm working with is going to call me back with the details to see if I can obtain the citizenship.
Oh so much to do and so little time to do it!
This month is already like half over...
Need to go to Chicago for a photoshoot
Boston for a weekend would be great just to pick up the last bit of paperwork left behind.
Maybe Florida or Mexico next month...... Can't wait for that tax return.
Hopefully moving into a new place next week
Also this new job... very excited, waiting to hear back about it
Spoke with the Belgian consulate on the phone, the lady I'm working with is going to call me back with the details to see if I can obtain the citizenship.
Oh so much to do and so little time to do it!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Baise Moi
listening to L7 reminds me of a lot of things, but it makes me want to chug a bottle of vodka or whiskey and yell at people and pick fights.
I really should pick up boxing or something this is ridiculous, I just have all this rage for no reason; its probably the years of holding it in. Also I don't like when I'm behaving and someone starts shit with me, because the other person ends up hurt and then expect me to feel bad for it... if you play with fire you get burned, so stop doing it.
I don't start fights with people usually but when the opportunity arises I just want to be able to take them up on that offer. Violence is a learned behavior.
Stop trying to consume me
Stop trying to have and hold me
oh and i knew there was a reason I liked Babes in Toyland
YES
Sorry Cherubs for the long pause in the bloggage, mommy has a new job.
going to listen to bjork and sleep
I really should pick up boxing or something this is ridiculous, I just have all this rage for no reason; its probably the years of holding it in. Also I don't like when I'm behaving and someone starts shit with me, because the other person ends up hurt and then expect me to feel bad for it... if you play with fire you get burned, so stop doing it.
I don't start fights with people usually but when the opportunity arises I just want to be able to take them up on that offer. Violence is a learned behavior.
Stop trying to consume me
Stop trying to have and hold me
oh and i knew there was a reason I liked Babes in Toyland
YES
Sorry Cherubs for the long pause in the bloggage, mommy has a new job.
going to listen to bjork and sleep
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
This is how it begins, you push it away but it all comes back again
now everything is clear
I erase the fear
I can disappear
(please) I don't ever want to make it stop
-"Please"- NIN
I've applied to 2 different agencies based in NYC, so I will find out the results very soon.
This month is getting jammed pack with all sorts of new gigs so I'm happy about that, I just need to get over this hump and then I'm good. I have an interview today, wish me all the luck in the world, this place is so me and its a job I really love and enjoy.
Then I have to worry about all these other things but I'm doing better than I was before, I'm getting closer to my goals.
This year I'm focusing more on:
*Stronger portfolio
*More acting work
*Financial Stability
*International Travel
*Focus more on performing (stage, dancing etc)
*Coming out with a line of my custom made designs
*Getting new shoes (I seriously have like no shoes)
I erase the fear
I can disappear
(please) I don't ever want to make it stop
-"Please"- NIN
I've applied to 2 different agencies based in NYC, so I will find out the results very soon.
This month is getting jammed pack with all sorts of new gigs so I'm happy about that, I just need to get over this hump and then I'm good. I have an interview today, wish me all the luck in the world, this place is so me and its a job I really love and enjoy.
Then I have to worry about all these other things but I'm doing better than I was before, I'm getting closer to my goals.
This year I'm focusing more on:
*Stronger portfolio
*More acting work
*Financial Stability
*International Travel
*Focus more on performing (stage, dancing etc)
*Coming out with a line of my custom made designs
*Getting new shoes (I seriously have like no shoes)
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